After few weeks of taking a break from “the adult life” and traveling home to rest and have a normal life, I have officially resumed work. To think this holiday could’ve been longer than what it was, I feel so weak, sad, and most of all, not motivated. All I want is to go back home, eat and sleep as much as I want, and just be happy doing them.
I don’t think I say this as often as I should, but I miss my family. I didn’t realize how close I was with my siblings and how much they mean to me until a couple of months back. They say family is all you’ve got and I couldn’t agree more. No matter how often you fight or quarrel, in the end they’ve got your back in whatever situation it is.
I grew up in a family where my mum taught two major things; love and forgiveness. When I was younger, I always thought I was the least favorite of all my siblings. I doubted myself a lot. I felt like no matter how hard I tried, I ended up doing the wrong thing. I also remember trying so many times to run away from home, find a new family and live happily ever after. I took every opportunity I got to either travel or go to church camps because I didn’t like my home.
I remember when I had to stay home for a whole year because JAMB had decided to do what they do most; fail the masses. I wondered how I was going to survive staying home with my dad and mum when my siblings were in school. I cried a lot during that period because it felt like I wasn’t going to leave the spot I was. I didn’t have people around to encourage me, and that made me feel alone.
All my life, I’ve been scared of one thing the most, and that is to be alone. The thought of that is so frightening that I dread doing anything on my own. I always feel like I need someone to take the first step for me. The fear of “what if it’s not good enough”, “I don’t think I can do it”. The first step is always scary, which is why I shy away from doing things I could do.
When I got home for the holidays, I was as happy as I could be. It felt like I had not seen my siblings in years. I was at peace. I laughed a lot, ate a lot, talked a lot; things I had not done in months. I was happier to see my dad, especially. Ha-ha! This is so unusual of me, but darn it, I was glad to be reunited with my family after the past difficult months I’ve had. I always wonder how my siblings are doing in their various bases and hope that they’re coping well and getting the hang of life. I worry mostly about my dad, for although he acts all strong, deep down he’s not. No one is.
As the holidays recedes, I became more scared. I didn’t want to leave home. I didn’t want my siblings to travel back. I was panicking, and all I wanted was to be with my family because nothing outside feels like it. I thought about my dad’s well-being, how he would go back to being by himself, and then subtly prayed that NEPA is good to him this year. My thoughts returned to how I’ll survive in Lagos again. All I want is to not feel alone, to go out more, and be genuinely happy.
There’s an intrusive thought too, one crying for my attention with each passing day. Sadly, I’m slowly forgetting my mum, and moving on from the memories we shared. This is my ultimate fear, that one day I won’t remember her for who she was. That my kids won’t know how awesome she was, and even though I had thought she gave me a hard time in the past, it was all love. She always said, “whom the father loves, he chastises”.
It’s my first day of work today, and I’m overwhelmed with a lot of things. How do I achieve the goals I’ve set for myself? Will my mum be proud of what I’m doing or want to do in the years to come? Will I get to see her someday? Would she be proud of the daughter she raised?